Cooking with Spaff #2 Page Three


1) Pour yourself a glass of wine. An essential aid to any chef is a glass of wine. "Nuff sed." Ahem. Get the oven heated up to "350F." 350F in my terms is about 180c, and for those in even darker times, "gas mark 4."

Thumb Freshly bought ingredients
Thumb Juggling!
Thumb a baking dish full of heart shaped tomatoes

2) Wash the tomatoes and then chop them into tiny pieces! Actually slice them into whatever size pieces you like. Perhaps you could chop them into heart shapes? Your significant other however would probably completley fail to notice the immense effort that went into the detail, so I suggest sticking with the tiny pieces.

Meanwhile, get the water for the pasta on the boil, and add some salt to avoid the pasta sticking to everything. This is surely the third lesson you ever learn about cooking, right after how to use the toaster and how to order a pizza.

3) Place the chopped tomatoes in a nice big baking dish or pot. (see picture)

Thumb Adding the Tuna in the correct order

4) Add the contents of all your cans of food in no particular order. No, in fact make it in this order: carrots, peas, soup, tuna, love.

Spaff's Culinary Sidebar #2
As foolish as this may seem, Juggling with tomatoes actually increases the intensity of their flavour by 2 fold. This is a little know fact, you could call it a family secret!

5) Tom told me to "season to taste" so I graciously added wine and incredible amounts of pepper.

Thumb Season to taste. Don't let any go to waste!
Thumb Spaff and Obi-Wan relax as the pasta comes to a boil

6) Pour your pasta into the now boiling water! Await its cooking time. 10 minutes is enough time to relax and have some more wine. Of course had you done this step way earlier it would be ready by now to add to the dish, so remember to get the pasta on as soon as possible next time.

Spaff's Culinary Sidebar #3
When someone says season to taste, that can mean anything. I like to add 4 times too much pepper to this dish. If you like you can pretend it brings out the taste of the mushrooms, but realistically it just makes it more peppery.

7)Drain the pasta and add it to the bowl.

8) Mix your bowl-o-food™ into a big thick "gloop." At this stage you may have become aware that the food looks pretty dodgy, but persevere!!

9) Put the mixture into your lovely heated oven and leave it in there for about 15-20 minutes. Before you take it out make sure the top has gone a golden brown colour. People always say this, so take note - it means it's vital!

Spaff's Culinary Sidebar #4
15 to 20 minutes in my terms is about the time it takes to open a beer and watch something on Sky until the "commercials" come on and the bottle is empty. However, for Americans having trouble, remember this is probably the exact length of time a commercial break lasts for during a "half hour" show.

10) Eat! You should of course preserve the valentines mood by setting the table with candles etc.. but Obi-Wan assured me it wasnt necessary. Never mind!

Thumb If you don't keep your cooker clean it may become infested with monsters.
Thumb Serve the final dish. no matter how dodgy this picture makes it look it is actually damn nice. So shut it.
Thumb Inevitable collapse of internal organs after eating far too much.

Hope you enjoyed this dish. While it wasn't romantic... at all, it certainly was very fast and easy to make. I have a feeling that as time goes on future dishes we do are going to get simpler and simpler! :) The next cooking with Spaff will with any luck not take a year to emerge! Take care out there. Good night!

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