By Blackbeard's Belly! 'tis International Talk like a "Gentleman o' Fortune" Day!

The last time we marked International Talk Like a Pirate Day, "Return to Monkey Island" had secretly been in development for a few months, so hopefully our logic-free dimension of reality continues to equate correlation to causation an' I now be forcin' fortune to once again plunge into the briny depths an' brin' forth treasure. Ahoy! I be pullin' another quote at random from a mighty pirate.

Ahem.

This is the story about the time I finally found the secret of Monkey Island.

Yarrrrrrrrrrrrr!

I, a prophet, speak for most fans

Look, we hear your cat-like screeching about it being not whatever decade you parked your emotional maturity in. We're crowd pleasers. We've given Guybrush a special do over, just for you. Now stop whining.

So wait, I'm confused...

...what's our policy, screw the ReMI trailer or watch it right now?

Executive update

Everyone is fired.

Oh come on

"Ron Gilbert Says Something"? Is the front page stealing our bits now? Sure. Great. That's fine. Not like they were busy or anything. Not like they have real news to be posting right now or anything. Have your fun.

History repeats itself

Some things never change. Particularly fear of change.

So what's the best Monkey Island game?

Having inadvertently remembered Jim Carrey-Joel Schumacher paranoid fantasy The Number 23, I decided to stick the number of years between Monkey Island releases into Google Maps as coordinates, netting a picture which I've decided answers one burning question: Which of the damn games is the best in the series?

Randy Breen was right

We might have seen this week's development coming, had we only listened. From a vintage interview with LucasArts in early 2001:

Guess you feel pretty silly now, don't you. Well, it's too late to apologize.

Dissenting View

Yes, yes, you're all excited about a new Monkey Island, but there ain't no pancake so thin it ain't got two sides to it:

I mean, did Ron even consider Battlefront III's feelings when he took this selfish step? I'm just glad someone out there has the guts to speak for the underdog.

Proportional Attribution

It only makes sense.

The Iliad: Special thanks to Homer.
Guernica: Special thanks to Picasso.
Citizen Kane: Special thanks to O. Welles.
Monkey Island Anthology Package:

US Representative to look into secrets of Monkey Island

Congressperson Nancy Mace has joined the pandemic of LucasArts fans congregating at the US government. Or so I can conclude from this headline from The Hill: "Mace writes to Fauci about 'Monkey Island'."

Kombat Contrition

Mike Stemmle's Linkedin profile isn't just a resume, but a platform for expressing latent regret. Have a look at the LucasArts section and you'll see what I mean:

There, you see? He apologized. And that's more than you can say for whichever monster is responsible for that assemble-the-turtle-skeleton puzzle in The Dig. These people need to be held accountable.

Stan's used revenge porn emporium

I got some used revenge porn to sell you!

But Max, you don't even like girls

I was a bit puzzled by Sam and Max-related comments about Max being a "gay icon," but then YouTube threw this at me and I've been quietly traumatised by the idea of either Sam or Max getting down to business since.

I'd always interpreted these as Max being indifferent towards anyone he wasn't pummelling or, in a universe that's rarely floated sexuality, asexual, but hey, when you put it like that: good for Max. And a point against my literary analysis skills. But I'll be looking for bunny ears at the next pride march.

I spotted a Monkey Island reference in Antalya, Turkey

This is from three years ago.

Steam's finest in the beer belly putsch

Those fascists on the Steam forums went to Capitol Hill last night and they were not happy.

It was always better ten years ago

I remember a time when Mixnmojo was spammed every day by overzealous fans wanting—nay, demanding and petitioning—Telltale Games to recast Sam and Max with "Hit the Road" actors Bill Farmer and Nick Jameson. With at least one fan still obsessing about this and refusing to let 1993 go, and my suspecting that nostalgia is a more potent, opinion-altering drug than most prepackaged powder you'll score on a corner, I went to find a Sam and Max voice comparison video on YouTube and pulled the highest rated comment: "tinkler was a great voice for max bc he perfectly conveyed his personality in his dialogue, but kasten/boat was also great during the rest of telltale's series. for sam, i cant see anyone else besides nowlin playing him after the telltale games, he really hit the nail on the head with his emphasis and emotion when it was needed, especially during season 3."

Ah, how the tables turn. Or how strong a thing nostalgia is. It's almost as if the Internet loves to whine for nothing. But does this illustration of the concept of "opinions" mean the Internet will move on? Of course not! But since pettiness is the order of the day, I'll point out that the real point of this post is that being proven right really is the most potent drug of all.

The Force will be with you. Always. Forever. Until the end of time. You cannot escape.

If, like me, you find endless franchising exhausting, or the need for the movie-going, TV-loving public to remain forever in its collective childhood unnerving, allow me to present Disney's sequel-, spin-off-, reboot-infested vision of hell.

Avast, ye landlubbers! 'tis our bless'd day!

Look: I'm not saying that Mixnmojo, small website though it may be, is in any way important to the universe at large...

I am, however, saying that the world went a bit topsy-turvy around the time Mixnmojo stopped marking Talk Like a Pirate Day, and I'll be damned if in this logic-free dimension of reality correlation doesn't imply causation. With that in mind, I'll now attempt to save the world by pulling a quote, at random, from a beloved mighty pirate. Ahem:

I once had a barber named Dominique.

Harrrrr!

Mixnmojo staffing update

In the wake of Jason's recent, controversial comments which served to demean the upcoming re-release of the beloved N64 classic Star Wars Episode 1: Racer, we have decided that he does not reflect Mixnmojo's values and have invited him to pursue new career opportunities, effective immediately.

We did not come to this decision lightly, and imagine there may be some who consider that Jason's remarks, however insensitive, are not grounds for dismissal. We would agree, were it a first offense. But in fact it is a continuation of a pattern of behavior Jason has exhibited for over a decade.

Consider this news post from January 2007, shortly after it was announced that Traxion, a rhythm-based PSP game being developed by Kuju Entertainment, had been cancelled by LucasArts. The game's demise had already been reported on, and more than enough derision had already been directed at it. Enough was enough. But Jason just couldn't help but make one more snide remark at Traxion's expense, spurring Jake to speak truth to power in the comments:

We quite agree, Jake. And while Mojo prides itself in allowing its staffers to voice their opinions without fear of reprisal, we must balance this ideal of editorial freedom with the responsibility that comes with the influential Alexa ranking of 2,529,964. In short, we can only offer wayward employees so many chances to change.

We wish Jason only the best in his future endeavors and hope to continue to provide a safe environment for an audience that has come to expect unwavering loyalty to a pod racing game. Please continue to hold us to account and help us honor our pledge to do better.

God bless,

The Mojo Management