Star Wars month concludes 05 Jul, 2005, 18:28 / 23 comments

What happens when you drink 17 cups of tea in one go? Most people go on a killing spree and end up getting strangled by a paedophile, but Gabez wrote six Star Wars reviews instead. Six Star Wars reviews for Six Star Wars films. In retrospect and reference to the prequels. You do the math.

Lynn Scully has advised me to release each film review on a daily basis, so check back every day this week to see what I thought of each film. Most Star Wars reviews were written ages ago, but these ones have the advantage of freshness and obscure cultural references. They may also persuade you to have a Star Wars back to back watchathon like I did yesterday. I nearly died.

  • Episode I: The Phantom Menace
  • Episode II: Attack of the Clones
  • Episode III: Revenge of the Sith
  • Episode IV: A New Hope
  • Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back
  • Episode VI: Return of the Jedi

    Next week: something not Star Wars related.

    • 8 of 12 on 10 Jul, 2005, 19:29…
      Soo... are you going to review 'Caravan of Courage' now?
    • Gabez on 10 Jul, 2005, 19:43…
      Heh I don't like the Ewoks that much... to be honest I don't really like them at all, but I thought their presence was bearable in Return of the Jedi.

      Ewok adventures is clearly the work of the devil.
    • netmonkey on 08 Jul, 2005, 11:44…
      Jeeze, did you watch all these movies back to back? I think you were waay too forgiving in all of them. Or maybe you were being sarcastic?

      And uh, the last NOOOOO! Is not as great because the other two are 1) Shit, Darth Vader was my father all along. 2) Shit, a sith lord killed my master! but the last no is 3) Shit, I screwed everything up; Oopsie daysie!
    • Gabez on 08 Jul, 2005, 14:44…
      No, I only watched the original trilogy back to back... And I was quite forgiving (one person says that Phantom Menace should have been in "negative numbers" for Jar-Jar Binks alone) but I always reckon a reviewer is better forgiving than unoforgiving... if you see what I mean. There's too many prequel trilogy reviews that are way too harsh and they usually get worked up over minor points, and if you ask me they compare them to the original trilogy too much, which they see through rose-tinted glasses.

      Also I think number 3 is "shit I killed my wife and have become scarred for life and dependent on a heavy body suit and a breathing machine." which is definitely worthy of a "nooooooooo!" ;)
    • SpaceMonkey on 02 Aug, 2005, 06:00…
      I would say profanities are more than appropriate. "*Beep* Nooooooo!" or "*Beep* Nooooo *Beepity Beep*!".

      Hell, if it were me, the censorship would sould like someone sending morse-code.
    • SpaceMonkey on 02 Aug, 2005, 06:01…
      sound, not sould. Damn my feeble mind... or dexterity... Noooooooooo!
    • 8 of 12 on 07 Jul, 2005, 20:59…
      Re: ROTS

      What... no references to masturbation at all? By the sounds of it you didn't even NEED porn that night, Gabe... :)
    • jp-30 on 07 Jul, 2005, 19:22…
      Re: ROTS.

      Everything that needed to happen happened just fine. I was disappointed at the very slight loose end tie-ups; -
      eg. How does vader get his name? Palpatine says "I will call you Darth Vader".

      3PO needs a memory wipe - Bail simply says "and wipe the protocol droids memory".

      They need to explain force ghosts - Yoda says "I have training for you Obi Wan as Qui Gon has learnt to be a force ghost".

      Why does Padme die in childbirth - oh, no actual reason, she just lost the will to live even though maternal instinct is way stronger than marital love.

      How is the empire formed? Palpatine says "I have formed a galactic empire".

      All these things were so glossed over when we have 10-15 minutes of absolutely useless action on Kashyyyk that does nothing except be a vehicle for us to see Chewbacca, who also also does absolutely nothing for the plot.

      Just seemed very odd.

      The tatooine scene at the end brought a little tear to my eye with the twin sunset pose, but it would have been nice for a little dialogue too.

      I had been down on the spaceships too given pre-release photos, especially the tri-fighters and Jedi Star Fighters, but in action they were fine. Though one area they did miss the ball was having very little consistency through the prequels. Padme has a new model of silver ship every movie. Anakin & Obi-Wan get new fighters etc.

      The cool thing about the OT were the x-wings, tie-fighters, falcon etc that kept recurring and had a real of personality. There were just so many many many different vehicles in ROTS that all had minimal screen time it was hard to really get attached to any the way AT-ATs blew you away with their coolness in ESB or X-Wings in ANH.

      I did enjoy the movie too though. As Gabez alludes, I still maintain that most, if not all, of TPM is dead space plot wise and the PT story is way too 'bunched up" at this end.

      Ahh well, when's the DVD out? For Christmas I guess.
    • Twilo on 08 Jul, 2005, 05:00…
      I think the inconsistent ship design was more of a problem in the first two prequels than in the third one. It seems like they had a lot of nice ideas for designs and couldn't really decide on a smaller number of them. Partly I think this was justified because it's reflective of a sort of decadent time in the republic, where there are lots of fancy designs and a lot of people own ships.
      Episode 3 did a much better job, as there's a war going on and the different ships (particularly the republic/empire ships) are a great way of tying in with the original trilogy. I enjoyed seeing the 6-winged fighter that would become the xwing, or the one-man fighters the jedi use that have a noticable TIE air to them. The republic star destroyers are nice too; it's odd to see them in the hands of (at this point) the "good guys" when they become a real symbol for the empire later.
    • jp-30 on 08 Jul, 2005, 19:01…
      What was annoying was that way back in Episode 1 Darth Maul's fighter was obviously a tie fighter with a wedge (no relation) stuck on the front. Then all these crazy ship designs in Ep 2 and 3 in particular with the starfighter cockpit and little flappy foils echoing the tie-design. Hello - Maul had the proto TIE 2 movies ago...
    • csenosiain on 07 Jul, 2005, 12:48…
      kudos on the office reference. made me laugh
    • counting_pine on 06 Jul, 2005, 18:18…
      There should probably be some sort of warning on that review.
      Not that I can think of one that wouldn't drag everyone in out of curiosity.
    • The Tingler on 06 Jul, 2005, 15:38…
      Wanking is much more enjoyable, there's more breasts to watch, and is more adult.

      Dear God, what have just said? I've just defended masturbation against a Star Wars review! I knew this would happen some day! Again!
    • Twilo on 06 Jul, 2005, 05:44…
      "fantastic" "awesome" "incredible" "great"
      Get some new words, word guy!

    • Gabez on 06 Jul, 2005, 07:13…
    • Gabez on 06 Jul, 2005, 07:14…
      And that was a link incidentally.
    • Twilo on 07 Jul, 2005, 08:11…
      In-jokes only work in the thing they're in!
    • 8 of 12 on 05 Jul, 2005, 23:16…
      This review is wrong on so many levels...
    • jp-30 on 05 Jul, 2005, 23:15…
      Inorporating masturbation references in and around discussion of a 7 year old boy and a tall, large eared fantasy creature is disturbing.

      Face it, Gabez is Mojo's version of Michael Jackson.

    • Scummbuddy on 05 Jul, 2005, 21:57…
      StarWars month isnt over yet, now that the new LucasArts store is open, where the categories include:
      Games (3 not Starwars, yet Grim isnt in stock)
      StarWars Mugs
      StarWars Hats
      StarWars T-Shirts
      OMG get them while they're... oh I don't have the energy to come up with anything anti-newLucasArts.
    • Udvarnoky on 05 Jul, 2005, 22:18…
      I wonder why they got rid of EMI.
    • Bobbin Threadbare on 06 Jul, 2005, 02:27…
      Isn't it obvious?
    • bgbennyboy on 05 Jul, 2005, 19:02…
      Neighbours references and a great analogy. What more could anyone want from a review?