It's been a bad year for egos. I used to consider myself a confident man, but everytime I gaze at a magazine cover I feel like an impressionable 12 year old girl. "Oh, Megan Fox," I'd say. "How could I be more like you and have such curvy hips?" I'd then start sobbing gently, with the magazine clutched in my hand and my shoulders shaking, until the sales clerk asked me to leave.
Things got worse when they refused to perform some "augmentation mammoplasty" on me, telling me I was "ineligible". Like I was some animal. But how could I become an attractive Hollywood starlet without a terrifying amount of plastic in my body?
Well, guess what? Brutal Legend actor and world-renowned comedian Jack "Kielbasa Sausage" Black saved the day when he showed-up in these, first at a beach and then at the VMAs. Look at that axe he's carrying. It's a godsend for impressionable 20 year olds with the minds of pre-pubescent girls. Especially the males!
I'm going to go and apply for this Muscular Plastic Arm surgery right now. Why be yourself when you could be like everyone else? When you could be...plastic?
Update: n0n4m3 (pronounced "none-for-me", I believe), has just sent me this video footage of Black swingin' it at the VMAs. See how they scream when he flexes? That's what I'm talking about. My 12 year old girl self would squeal at the squealing, and then we'd all squeal, like pigs reading about chickens after the bird flu.