The International House of Mojo

Snootchie Bootchies and all that shit. You guys dont hear from me quite as often as you once did. Well you're possibly not gonna hear from me for another week or so. You may have noticed that in a previous poll I posted what spaff described as the longest ever comment (and largest ever rant). Well he was right... up until now. You guys had better get comfortable cause THIS IS NOW THE LONGEST EVER COMMENT.

Now let us begin...

First of all, let me tell you about one of my really fun days at school.

It was Thursday the 14th of November, the weather was horrible and I was wearing my favourite jacket that can carry a lot of junk (SEE WHAT PLAYING TOO MUCH ADVENTURE GAMES CAN DO TO YOU). I'll tell you a bit about the stuff I carry in that jacket. First of all there is the bottle of "Tap Water" which I take a sip from whenever my throat is dry (I even printed a label on the bottle saying Tap Water but you'd have to see it to really appreciate it), a bouncy ball, a yo-yo which I built myself out of doorknobs from a caravan and some folded bits of paper.

If you want to know what those bits of paper are then I will tell you:

A dictionary of Pirate Lingo (which I printed from "The Monkey Island Scumm Bar" during that "Talk like a Pirate" day, I think)
Some controversial comic strips which I made myself (I might send them off to spaff so he can put them on this site }:?)
Some lyrics to a rap song which I also wrote (I call it "Da MuTHa FucKin RAPP SoNG". Pretty good eh. I MIGHT make an MP3 of it. If I get the right stuff)
A fun little quiz (questions from Leisure Suit Larry 1 & 3, You'll piss your pants with laughter)
Lots of jokes (Jokes that I got from Al Lowes site)
A list of things I want to do before I die (I'll tell you later, probably not in this comment)
The Picture of the "KwEeN MuTHa" (Yes spaff, you heard right)
A couple of other funny little pictures from the internet
and
Some little yellow sticky notes saying "Kick Me".

Ok now on to the story

Thursday, horrible weather, yadda yadda. I had in my jacket for this particular day a "Fart Machine" (Its basically a small speaker that makes 5 different fart noises with a little button that you press to make the fart noise) and I was feeling rather mischievous (I dont normally do these things in school) so I thought that me and my best friend Gavin would go for a little walk around the playground while I set the machine off in peoples ears (heh heh heh). You guys should have seen it they were totally shitting themselves, Snoogans. And this was all at the very start of the day. By the time the bell rang I had set it off 20 times. A little later in the morning I done it 30 times and I decided to go for 50. So I did, then I went for 100 at lunch time, but I only managed 99. Then in my English class about 3 people were asking me what that thing was I kept in my pocket. I told them "Thats absolutely none of your damn business". These 3 people were, a couple of chicks (one of them fancies me and the other one, I just dont care about) and some guy called "Weedy" (I set the "Fart Machine" off in his ear twice }:?).

On Thursdays, apart from being "Calm Before the Storm" day, is the day we get two periods of English. So when the bell rang for last period we all got up to go to the toilet. When I had gone down the stairs, those two damn chicks were right behind me chatting amongst themselves. I had just pushed open a swinging door when I heard a familiar voice call out my name from behind me. It was my other best friend, Gordon. So when I turned round, the door swung back on me and as Gordon came running up to me (to have a little chat, like we always do) one of the chicks (the one I dont care about) said "Oh my God, Thats his friend?" then Gordon retorted to them by saying "Shut up Slut!". I was fucking howling with laughter cause no one, not even me, had ever said anything like that to her.

So after last period I went and set the "Fart Machine" off in someones ear for the 100th time.

So after having my goal completed I vowed never to do it again (until next month that is }:?).

And when I got home I started typing up this comment.

On Friday (the 15th) not much happened at school really except I got a shot on the internet and went on this site. The stuff you've shown us is definetley quite good spaff. And my request to have some Sierra related news (when was that then) is nice as well (Even if its only tiny, the important thing is that you care }:?). It was good seeing the promotional video for Space Quest III again (but the two Space Quest fan sites have it in better quality). The thing about Michael Jackson and his nose falling to bits in court was a bit scary though (especially since I'm a fan of his).

But wait thats not the end of the comment though. I'm going to tell you what I thought of "Children In Need" (I had even written some notes to remind me).

Ok first of all some woman went on to sing "Blame it on the Boogie" and she sung it so bad I wanted to slit my throat. Then whenever a grand total was announced (How much money was acheived) everybody sang a bad version of "Hey Baby" (the first time I heard that fucking song was in school when I walked in to my Craft & Design class (building models out of wood and stuff) and all I could hear a few seconds later was all the girls running in the class shouting "HEEEYYY, HEY BABY, OOOH AAAH, I WANNA KNOOOOWW (you get the idea)" I told them to "SHUT THE FUCK UP" }:?).

Back to "Children in Need" now. This guy went and sang "Jailhouse Rock" and he was FUCKING AWFUL. Some other guy sang "Suspicious Minds" and he was great (He was fucking better than Gareth Gates. Hell even I would probably be better than Gareth. But what really REALLY irks me about GARETH is that HE sang an ELVIS song and DISNEY put it on thier new FILM. A sure sign that Disney are losing it. Are we all agreed on that?).

There was some tribute to Madonnas Vogue video and IT SUCKED (I even hate Madonnas version (In fact, I havent even heard her version all the way through). The only good thing she can sing is her new song "Die Another Day").

Then when Gareth (EEEEEEUUUUUUWWWWWWW) sang some fucking song I went insane and started singing M.C. Hammers "Cant touch this" (dont ask why, I just did) then there was the cast of "Eastenders" (Does anyone actually watch that?) tribute to "Thriller" (hee hee, muthafucka) and it was MARVELLOUS.

Then Alice Cooper came on and sang "School's out for Summer". What was my opinion of it? I dont think I need to tell you (thats because EVERYONE fucking likes that song dumbasses).

Then Robson Green came on and I dont know why. He's famous, but I dont know why. I mean WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT GUY DO FOR A LIVING THAT MAKES HIM SO FAMOUS and DOES ANYONE ACTUALLY GIVE A SHIT? Do I need to make myself any clearer? No? GOOD. Lets move on.

But the thing that REALLY got me singing was the BIG FUCKING MASSIVE tribute to Queen. Oh you dont know how much I enjoyed that. Of course the fun was all shattered when they had "Will "The Pill" Young" singing afterwards. I mean why the fuck did they have to do that? Couldnt they have had the Queen tribute band to peform at the VERY END OF THE PROGRAM instead of RIGHT BEFORE WILL YOUNG? I WAS SO PISSED OFF.

Oh well. I guess that ends the (rather large) rant about "Children In Need". Now for some jokes.

Whats the difference between Tiger Woods and Princess Diana?
Tiger Woods has a good Driver.

Did you know that Michael Barrymore is getting a new TV show over on BBC1?
Its called "Only Pools and Corpses".

Why did the fox cross the road?
To eat the squashed rabbit.

Thats all the jokes I've got for now.

Oh by the way did any of you see Graham Norton several weeks ago? Roger Moore was there and...
By the way what was that saying at the top of the screen?

"Press Zero to Suckerpunch" I think it was. I'll press it now.

--click--

{KAPOW}

OUCH. That got me flying across the room, so it did. Now my nose is all red and swollen. Bugger.

The next two things are just gibberish. Dont take them literally (you can if you want to but who the hell cares)

The Spaghetti is evil and only the Saintly Sandwich can save it. Pot Noodle is not evil because the Saintly Sandwich saved it. They are just Naughty Noodles now.

And another thing, "Children playing outside cars can cause accidents,
but adults playing inside cars can cause children by accident".

I had all that crap above typed up on a text document and I put it on a floppy disk ready to take to school (Because I go to college in the afternoon on Monday). And guess what? I forgot it. I FORGOT IT.

--ahem--

On Monday the 18th (the day I had planned to post the above comment) when the bell rang for my English class, the door was locked and we had to wait for the teacher to arrive, there were a couple of chicks (one of them is small) from my class there (and the both fancie me, gosh I feel lucky) and they said "Hi" to me so I said "Hi" back (This isnt turning into a story that could be used in a cheesy teen film, now is it?). I took out one of my bouncy balls and started bouncing it so one of the chicks (the small one) asked for a shot of it so I gave it to her then I took out my other bouncy ball and the other chick ask for a shot of that so I just gave it to her then they both went mad and started bouncing those balls In a really crazy way (and trying to catch them).

Now what could be more fun than letting a couple of gorgeous chicks play with your balls (Drum Fill)?

Hey that reminds me. They only gave me one ball back. Ah well, it only cost 20p. I can buy more (Next time I go to Glasgow }:?)

On Tuesday the 19th (Is anyone actually caring about this?) when I was in my English class we had a supply teacher (That means our proper teacher wasnt there. Woo-Hoo) so the whole class got some different work to do and wouldnt you know, the whole class didnt really bother to do much work (In fact, one person didnt do anything).

The two chicks were sitting behind me and were calling my name (cause they wanted to chat to me) and I was barely awake so one chick walk over to me and started asking me some questions. One she asked in particular was what I was going to get for her christmas (She REALLY likes me a lot. And so does her pal }:?) and what I was going to get for her pal. She also asked me to pick my nose and eat it. So I said "Lets see you do it first" but she just faked it and so I was like "No, like this" and I pushed my finger half way up my nose then took it out again and licked the mucus from it (I know what you are all thinking. You are thinking the same thing. and that thing is "EEEEEEUUUUUUWWWWWWW").

So anyway, a couple of things I'm thinking of getting them (I like them too you know) are: A couple of bouncy balls (Im such a cheap bastard }:?), some fun little masks (Based on Space Quest III }:?), a packet of Polo mints (Yeah... that WOULD be great now wouldnt it?) or maybe even a couple of Santa hats (ho ho ho).
So what do you think would be great? The balls? The masks? The mints? The hats? Or should I get all of them? OR Could you guys possibly suggest something (preferably cheap and funny }:?)?

On Thursday the 21st (Calm Before The Storm Day }:?), my old friend Kevin who had just left school before the summer came to visit the school during lunchtime. It was quite nice talking to him. He told me he had just bought some LucasArts adventures on 3.5" floppys.
He got The Secret (he said Curse) of Monkey Island, Loom and after that he had forgot the rest so I put him right by saying "Zak McKracken, Maniac Mansion and Indiana Jones" because I knew (not guessed, but KNEW) that he had bought the LucasArts archives (Back in the day when adventures were popular, when I was too young to know about it (Waaahh, No Fair) and when Sierra had thier families involved with thier games).

So he told me he was on the bit in Monkey Island where Guybrush was stuck in his ship with the bastard crew (I was stuck on that bit, until I got a walkthrough) so I asked him how far he got on Loom but he said he hadnt really played that yet (Fair enough, one game at a time I always say.) and that his sister was playing it (So guys, How many people in YOUR families play adventure games? Im the only one in MY family).

Then in my English class (oh no here he goes again) there was a supply teacher there again. So we got out our work and as usual, I was doing next to bugger all. Thats because this time, instead of thinking of those two chicks, I was thinking back to when I was first playing Loom (Only about a year ago mind you, when I first discovered abandonware and Loom was available to download) and for no reason at all I was chuckling to myself.

On Friday the 22nd it was quite an incredible day (Dont worry, no school stories today). After school I went to the cinema to see Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets with my Mum and Dad and it was great, a BIG improvement over the first one, and it was quite long too. Lots of inspiration from other things though like the scene in the forbidden forest with all the spiders was very much like Chapter 8 in The Hobbit entitled "Flies and Spiders" (I suggest you read it if you havent already) then when the car comes to save Harry and Ron its a bit like Knight Rider.

So after the film we then drove over to a big supermarket and there were several albums there with headphone sets, but there was only one cd there worth listening to. It was a collection of the best 80s songs and my favourite song was there. It was "Word Up" by "Cameo" and I hadnt listened to it for several months (It really is a GREAT song, but I cant find the MP3 anywhere on the internet so if anyone could possibly find it and post the link to it, that would be great) and I also bought my first ever Red Bull.

Then during the night I had a strange dream (Does anyone remember that poll about LucasArts related dreams?). I was in school wondering around the place with a couple of friends when one of them shouted out "Look, its Ken". So we all turned around and we saw Ken Williams the founder of Sierra, so we all walked over to him and shook hands with him. There was something I wanted to asked him but I never got the chance.

Then all of a sudden I found myself in a totally different building and Ken was there too but then he ran out the door and I ran out too but I couldnt see him anywhere then one of my friends walked past and I asked him if he knew where Ken was and he pointed to a guy wearing a grey wig and a white wig and when that guy saw me he just ran away and I started chasing him saying "Wait up Ken, I just want to ask you something." but he just kept on running, then I realised that Al Lowe was chasing ME so I kept on running then Ken stopped and hid behind a tree saying "Dont hurt me please, I have a company to run." and I said "I wasnt going to hurt you, I just want to ask you something." then Al caught up with me saying "What do you think you're doing?" and I said to him that I just wanted to ask Ken something and he said "Well lets do it elsewhere" and all of a sudden I found myself in a sort of dome shaped room with Ken, Al and some of my friends from school then we all started having a conversation.

I went and asked Ken and Al "What do you do if you find out someone owns pirated copies of your games?" then Al said "Well, we beat them up first, then we shoot them, then we chop them up into big chunks and then we cook them in the room behind that door over there." He pointed to a door then all of a sudden the door burst open and out came one of the chicks from my English class. She was jumping around all excited holding a Stereophonics album saying "Look what I've got, Look what I've got." and one of my friends said "Oh youre a pure geek, man". Then Ken said "What makes her a geek? She doesnt know very much about computers now does she? If there are any geeks in the room its me and Al." then I said "Hey what about me?". Then I was about to ask where Mark Crowe and Scott Murphy (The Two Guys from Andromeda) were but I woke up unfortunately.
It was 5 o'clock in the morning so I just went back to sleep.

I had another dream after that. It was quite hard to remember though but me and some friends were in some sort of place like a demolished building or something. It was some sort of school and we had to work on these old looking computers with Windows 95 and it was far too awkward to work it.
One of the chicks from my English class was there and strangely enough, I had the courage to chat her up (probably because it was a dream and I didnt have to worry about my real life problems). I really dont remember anything else from that dream except that we seemed to sleep inside bins at this so-called "school" and that we came out whenever it was time for a lesson or something.

Enough of the dreams now. Lets continue...

On Sunday the 24th I was watching the "Tom Green" and "Andy Dick" shows on MTV2. It was really funny I tell ya. There was a bit when Tom Green said he had about 20 minutes of tape left on his camera and he had a jar of peanut butter and a knife so he went up to some womans garage and started to spread peanut butter on her car. Then the woman came out the house and told Tom to clean it off, so Tom started to clean it off when her big dog started licking it instead so Tom went and spread peanut butter on several different places for the dog to lick. Then when the woman started to close her garage door Tom put the jar of peanut butter underneath and it got crushed then Tom just started getting some peanut butter on his knife and licking it off. It was so funny I swear to god.

I also watched South Park as well. The kids were watching a show called "Fighting around the World" and it had Russel Crowe beating up a lot of people. It was just too stupid, you guys should see it (If you havent already)

On Tuesday the 26th at lunchtime one of the chicks from my English class (Oh christ man, just shut the fuck up) asked me to pick my nose, so I did, but I didnt lick the mucus off my finger. No, instead I wiped it on her shirt (AH HA HA HA HA HA) then she kicked my ass (she just kicked it, she didnt beat the shit out of me if thats what you are thinking) and I was laughing for the rest of the day just thinking about it.

On Thursday the 28th (Is this about that "chick" again? Wouldnt it be easier if you just told us her name?), at the end my English class (Oh god) that very same girl (So shes not a chick anymore, is that right? Ah who cares) asked me if I still pick my nose, soo I said "Uuh... yeah" then she asked if I pick my ass and I said "No! Thats sick" then she asked me "Whats Santa gettin you for Christmas?". I said "Money", she asked "What are you gettin me then?" and I said "Dunno.... Something cheap" and that made her laugh (I can make EVERYBODY laugh because of my deranged, retarted and idiotic sense of humour. I dont know what I'd be without it).

Wow. Quite an incredible comment I have posted here. I tell you about my inventory, I tell you a story about mischievous behaviour, I share my views about a charity show, I tell you some jokes, I get suckerpunched, I meet an old friend, I ramble on about a couple of chicks who really like me, I talk about Harry Potter, I tell you about two FUCKED UP dreams I have and some other stuff.

How wierder could I possibly get? Now THERES something I'd like to hear.

I know that now you guys have read this you will possibly be saying something of the following:

"Jesus christ! He only begun to tell us about those two chicks but already its annoying us."

"I liked him better when he talked about Sierra more often"

"Hes right. Nobody really does give a shit about Robson Green"

"Heh Heh, he got suckerpunched"

"Wow. He must be REALLY addicted to Adventure Games if he has The Jacket that holds anything."

Well this looks like the end of the comment. Better say something "Jay & Silent Bob" then. (Why??)

Snoogans }:?)

What...what? No.

Just, no.